The Lone Wolf Needs The Pack:

Addresing Toxic Masculinity

by: Darren Knight-Baughman

As a pastor and professional counselor, I have had the privilege over the past 20 years to have many men confide in me about their inner lives.  In nearly all these conversations I ask the men about their social support system- who are their friends and family members with whom they are close.  I often ask them to draw three concentric circles, like a bullseye, to represent their social support.  I ask them to write the first names of those people they would put in their inner circle, meaning those people that they confide in the most and feel the closest too.  Then, who would they put in the next circle outside of that, those that they feel close to, but not as strongly as their inner circle.  And then likewise with the third circle. A striking pattern arises as I do this exercise with men.  There are often very few names written down in any of the circles, with the fewest in the inner circle.  The conversation I have next commonly sounds something like this: 

Counselor: What stands out to you as you look at these circles?

Man: (After a few seconds of silence) I see very few names.

Counselor: Can you tell me a little about the people you did write down?

Man:  In my inner circle, I only have two people- my wife and my best friend since 5th grade.  But, he and I really only talk once a month or so, but when we do, its just like old times.  In the next circle, I have some family members, but our conversations usually stay pretty surface level.  I have some guys I interact with a lot at work, but we rarely share anything to personal or emotional.  I also have some men in the second and third circle, but they are really more casual friends and acquaintances with the husbands of deeper friendships my wife has with their wives.

Counselor:  How do you feel now looking at this diagram?

Man: I feel silly saying this, but I feel sad.  I wish I had more close friends like I did when I was a kid, but it just feels impossible now.  I am like a lone wolf- sometimes near others but always on the outskirts.  

Men's shrinking social connections has become a well researched and documented phenomenon.  We are getting a clearer picture of the negative effect this social isolation is having on men's health.  One particular study from Harvard has been running for 8 decades, focusing on the physical and emotional lives of men.  These many years of research revealed a correlation between men's social/emotional health and physical health.  It has been found that men with warm, close relationships live longer, have less chronic diseases, and have better health on average. (Hidden Brain: Guys, We Have a Problem: How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men)

The research shows that when addressing men's health, we need to look beyond just their level of exercise and diet, but we need to ask about their friendships and social support.  We need to help men realize that their lack of closeness with others has negative effects on every other aspect of their lives and our society as a whole.      

Yet, this research has only given more data to what God has already revealed to us in Scripture.  God is not a "lone wolf", but instead has shown to be in community within the Trinity.  In Christ, we are instructed to remain connected to the vine (John 15:5) and shown how to remain connected to one another by the way we love one another (John 13:34).  And through the Holy Spirit we are given the power to be the body of Christ, dependent on each part to more fully reflect the image of God to the world (1 Corinthians 12).  God has called us to live in loving connection with one another, not in isolation.  

Tragically, this is the opposite message that most boys and men are hearing today.  Internationally known family therapist and author, Terry Real writes that "At its core, traditional masculinity rests on two pillars: the rejection of vulnerability and the delusion of dominance.  Instead of trying to connect through vulnerable sharing, traditional masculinity dictates that men win approval through their performance." (Working with Difficult Men. Where’s the Leverage for Change? 2019).  Our culture has defined masculinity in these terms:  Be independent and self-reliant, don't depend on others; be stoic and detached, don't show or express emotion; be strong, never show vulnerability or weakness. 

Yet, it is through vulnerability that we connect with others.  It is in sharing our weaknesses that we find strength.  It is by expressing our emotions that we find a life worth living.  If the traditional definition of masculinity is the only message boys are given, then these boys will grow to become men who are isolated, lonely, depressed, angry, and find their worth solely in what they do or how they perform.   

For the health of men and the betterment of our society, it is imperative that we define masculinity not in light of our culture, but in the light of Christ.  One way I believe we can do this is through the conversations we have with the boys and men in our lives.  

First, we can help give boys a more balanced and healthy view of masculinity through the conversations we have with them in these two ways.

1.  We can ask boys more about how they feel and less about how they perform.  We can ask them questions like: how did that make you feel?  If they are unsure, give them some suggestions of feeling words, (discouraged, hurt, disappointed, satisfied, loved).  It is critical in these conversations that we do not shame boys for expressing emotion by making comments about them "being too sensitive".  But rather, to help them properly express and manage these emotions.  

2.  We can encourage boys in the ways that they ask others for help and in the ways they help and nurture others.  Applaud them for how they showed care and empathy for a friend.  Let them know the respect you have for the them by asking their teacher or another person for help.    

Second, men can have the conversation about how they want to change and strengthen their social connections.  Using the exercise with the concentric circles, I often times help men discuss who they may want to add to their circles, or who is in an outer circle that they could take small steps to bring closer.  When men start to see the importance of having warm, close friendships, they often times find that just a few small steps can make a difference.  For example, reaching out to a casual friend more often and initiating an activity together, or reaching out to a man he knows is going through a difficult time and offer empathy and support.  

Jesus once said to those in his inner circle, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  So many men are weary and burdened by a limited definition of masculinity that only leaves them isolated and emotionally detached from themselves and one another.  We can all offer something greater to boys today who will grow into healthier men tomorrow.  And for men today, it is time for the lone wolves out there to return to the pack.  It will be better for the wolf and better for the pack.